Trying ...

The only real reason I am blogging today is because I am trying to get better. I am attempting to put "on paper", if you will, the thoughts that abound in the attempt to get back to a place of mental-emotional peace. This, I fear, is the biggest challenge I am facing. I am finding it increasingly difficult to get back to just being me.

This morning during a time of introspection I have realized that I feel like I am in a perpetually sad place. By "sad" I mean that I am finding it very hard to find pleasure in things. Even in those things that would normally bring me joy.

I'll elaborate. I beg that you do not judge me. I am only human.

In recent months I have been in an extended state of mental-emotional darkness.

I sought help by looking for a therapist. I found one thankfully but we still have a long way to go. Loads of things to work on and work through.

Anyway, for about 4 or 5 months now I've been in the throes of a depressing, anxiety and PTSD flareups. I've been doing the best I can to cope, and for those that don't know me well enough, they'd never be able to tell that I am not okay.

In the past 3 months especially, I have found no reason to want to take care of myself, to do things that I would normally enjoy, to be social ... anything, really. And when I do do these things I feel like it is being done more because of obligation than desire.

Even when I m writing or creating the "high" is passé. The contentment (not happiness like before) is only there during the time I am doing the thing and once I am done ... gone. Just like that. Like a puff of smoke if just fades away almost instantaneously. 

I shower out of obligation. I hardly care for my hair and only do so out of obligation as well. I don't really want to go out but do so because I have not option. I haven't shaved my legs (or anything) in at least 3 months. I don't want to put makeup on. Jewelry is only used because it is there and probably should be used. I don't feel like dressing up and would walk around in sweats or pajamas all day if I could. I don't really care about what I eat, when or why. I only exercise because I have to do so but find no enjoyment in it like I used to. I talk to people outside of my son and best friend because I am also obligated to.

But at the end of the day, the only thing that I really want to do is stay in bed, be a shut in, sleep all day and do nothing else.

Honestly, I can't even cry. I want to, but I can't. Literally can't. The tears just won't come.

I used to love to cook. It was one of my favorite hobbies. Now, I would eat frozen dinners, candy or sandwiches all day, every day if I could.

Again, I cook because my family needs to eat. Truth be told, I don't even exert any energy in trying to make it " taste good" anymore. I don't care that much.

I can't find a reason to care about anything anymore. I don't care what I look like, what people think, what I do and why. I just don't have it in me.

Most of the things I do, I do out of pure obligation and that sucks.

There have been some days in between the down slopes that I think I may be feeling better to the point where I even believe it myself. Then, the very next day, boom! In the gutter again.

Each day I try to find something to laugh about. It is so hard to do. I always try to joke around or whatever ... anything to at least smile once a day. But it is so forced that many times it just feels fake.

My biggest fear is that I will never be myself again. That I'll live in this darkness in perpetuity.

The layers go so deep that many times I just don't have the words to explain the why.

Imagine going down a very long, seemingly eternal staircase. Every step downward is a different reason why your sinking deeper. That is what it is like. Each step is a reason, but I can't seem to get off of the staircase. All I can do is look up at the light I am leaving behind in the hopes that I can soon turn around and go back up.

I want to find "a reason" to be happy again. I want so badly to get back to my happy place. But my biggest fear is that I will never get there again.

The most frustrating thing is when people say things like ...

It'll get better.

Cheer up. You just have the blues.

Why are you so sad? Just smile.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Just look at the silver lining.

You can do it. You're strong.

Don't worry, be happy.

This is only temporary. 

So, since I know that the above are going to be the answers I'll get from most people, I just don't even bother exerting the energy to talk to anyone. What's the point? They just don't get it.

I rather suffer in silence than hear someone tell me any of the above stated lines, or anything like them.

Sometimes I just want someone to listen and not give me a pep-talk of shit that I already know. Sometimes I just want permission to be vulnerable and sad without any cheerleader giving me some bullshit happy talk.

SOMETIMES I JUST WANT A HUG OR TO BE HELD.

NO WORDS. JUST ACTIONS.

Sometimes ...

Life is a Convoluted Thing

I had some things on my mind that I wanted to share with the ether. I never really expect people to read my blog, and am always surprised when they do. I usually blog because I have something to say and/or need to expel something from my spirit.

So before I go into the thick of it, I just need to share a baby-bit of background with you. I won't be going into too much detail so I'll just let you use your imagination to fill in the blanks.

Basically, in life I have gone through far too much traumatic and life altering shit. These things have, without a doubt, left some uncured scars that I am only now dealing with. In the attempt to learn how to cope as well as address a variety of mental-illness related things, I opted to seek therapy. About a month ago I started seeing a psychologist. She's great. I like her very much.

The other day as I sat with her, she gave me an assignment due to the myriad of mental-emotional struggles I've been confronting head-on as of late.

She said, "I want you to stop and do this exercise whenever you are feeling overwhelmed. Think to yourself, 'How am I feeling and what do I need?'"

It was that particular exercise that led me to today's blog post.

I've been dealing with a roller coaster of emotions as of late, and while I am finally on the up-climb, that by no means implies that the entire situation has been mitigated.

Last night I had this very realistic dream where I was with a man that loved me and treated me right. In the dream I could feel like my proverbial cup was overflowing with love, care, understanding and companionship. Essentially, the kind of relationship that every girl longs for. It was as real as anything.

Then I opened my eyes. As soon as I did, reality hit me like a ton of brinks.

I was alone. Again.

I felt empty. Again.

I longed for all the things that I had in my dream, but didn't have in real life. Again.

Feeling overwhelmed with grief I did the exercise.

"Y," I said to myself, "How do I feel?"

"Lonely and sad." I responded.

"What do I need?"

"Love and companionship from a life partner."

Unfortunately, this wasn't a need that I could satiate. Why? Because I don't have that. I do not have a mate, I do not have the unconditional love of a life partner.

So that leaves me with one big question ...

What do I do when I cannot find what I am looking for?

And trust me, I've looked for it. I've looked for love in all the wrong AND RIGHT places. Inevitably, I come back empty handed every time after implementing a lot of time, energy and care into attempting to make a relationship work. They never do.

This, of course, makes me feel like there is no remedy for me. Therefore, instead of feeling better after endeavoring to do the exercise, I now feel worse.

How do I fix it?

Waves To Light: Book Blog Tour

Hello and Welcome to the Waves To Light Blog Tour!

Today my special guests are Author/Poet MJ Holman and Author/Poet Queen of Spades.

In celebration of this amazing poetry collection, its release and blog tour, I asked the authors 2 questions. They were:

If there was 1 (one) important message you could deliver through the prose and poetry of Waves ToLight, what would that be and why?

Do you think a person not battling with mental illness could connect to the significance of this collection? If not, please explain. If so, please elaborate.

To Question 1:

Queen of Spades Said:

The most important message is that one is not alone. Since there are so many images that paint mental illness negatively, it is important for others to know that a sufferer could have the look or what society considers a "normal" person. With my particular classification (clinical depression or major depressive disorder), one also has different levels of functionality. Some individuals are low functioning, meaning that at the lowest of their depression, it can impact one's day-to-day activities. It can impact job performance, even the ability to keep a job, along with being fully present in the lives of friends and others. However, there are also people who are medium to high functioning, even to the point where the closest of friends may not realize when they are in the midst of a depressive episode.

Speaking for myself, I am more towards the high functioning spectrum. When I am in a depressive state, I tend to internalize and isolate yet because I'm hypersensitive to external perception, I can give the illusion that I'm "just fine" or "okay". The danger with being on this end is when I finally remove the mask (aka playing the role for the public), the feelings associated with my depression are intense. It is not uncommon for my intensity to manifest via physical ailments, like migraines, loss of appetite, and muscle aches and spasms, particularly around my shoulder area and the small of my back, where my stress tends to reside.

MJ Holman Said:

I will echo Queen of Spades and say the message is one does not suffer alone. The condition may be relative and we may all experience different aspects of it, have different symptoms and causes, but at the nub, all things are equal.

It is important that the language of depression and hypomania can be shared. This is our way of communicating to each other the extent of the illness, the depth of feeling, and giving a voice to all those who cannot express themselves when faced with these conditions.

To Question 2:

Queen of Spades Said:

I think another person definitely could. There might be moments when one is feeling very sad, confused, or lost, and every person has felt that at some time or another. In addition, for those friends or loved ones who know a person suffering from a mental illness, this could give some type of clarity and understanding into that person's battle. Usually, one from the outside looking in tends to blame himself. Even worse, there are quite a few individuals that just wants the sufferer to simply "snap out of it". I hope through this collection, that realization sets in. For a loved one who cares, it is not his or her fault. For the critic, mental illness is not a thing one "snaps out of".

For me, I don't see this as something that miraculously gets cured. I live with it and just pray I see more darkness thatlight, along with hoping others will achieve that as well.

 MJ Holman Said:

I would like to think so. We all suffer the same emotional duress from time to time, mostly associated with grief. At its very limit, grief will follow the same pattern as an episode of depression and there will be lines of poetry in this collection that may illustrate those feelings exactly.

Individuals who spend their time with sufferers, whether they are friends or loved ones will recognise them in this poetry. They will see the depths we plummet or the elation we cannot control and it will bring to them a greater understanding of the illness. My mother only recently read The Sea of Conscience, afterwards she came to me and said, 'I had no idea you felt this way.' That's what we're aiming for with Waves to Light.

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Did you know that you can Pre-Order Wave To Light on Amazon Kindle?