Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Trying ...

The only real reason I am blogging today is because I am trying to get better. I am attempting to put "on paper", if you will, the thoughts that abound in the attempt to get back to a place of mental-emotional peace. This, I fear, is the biggest challenge I am facing. I am finding it increasingly difficult to get back to just being me.

This morning during a time of introspection I have realized that I feel like I am in a perpetually sad place. By "sad" I mean that I am finding it very hard to find pleasure in things. Even in those things that would normally bring me joy.

I'll elaborate. I beg that you do not judge me. I am only human.

In recent months I have been in an extended state of mental-emotional darkness.
I sought help by looking for a therapist. I found one thankfully but we still have a long way to go. Loads of things to work on and work through.

Anyway, for about 4 or 5 months now I've been in the throes of a depressing, anxiety and PTSD flareups. I've been doing the best I can to cope, and for those that don't know me well enough, they'd never be able to tell that I am not okay.
In the past 3 months especially, I have found no reason to want to take care of myself, to do things that I would normally enjoy, to be social ... anything, really. And when I do do these things I feel like it is being done more because of obligation than desire.
Even when I m writing or creating the "high" is passé. The contentment (not happiness like before) is only there during the time I am doing the thing and once I am done ... gone. Just like that. Like a puff of smoke if just fades away almost instantaneously. 
I shower out of obligation. I hardly care for my hair and only do so out of obligation as well. I don't really want to go out but do so because I have not option. I haven't shaved my legs (or anything) in at least 3 months. I don't want to put makeup on. Jewelry is only used because it is there and probably should be used. I don't feel like dressing up and would walk around in sweats or pajamas all day if I could. I don't really care about what I eat, when or why. I only exercise because I have to do so but find no enjoyment in it like I used to. I talk to people outside of my son and best friend because I am also obligated to.
But at the end of the day, the only thing that I really want to do is stay in bed, be a shut in, sleep all day and do nothing else.
Honestly, I can't even cry. I want to, but I can't. Literally can't. The tears just won't come.
I used to love to cook. It was one of my favorite hobbies. Now, I would eat frozen dinners, candy or sandwiches all day, every day if I could.
Again, I cook because my family needs to eat. Truth be told, I don't even exert any energy in trying to make it " taste good" anymore. I don't care that much.

I can't find a reason to care about anything anymore. I don't care what I look like, what people think, what I do and why. I just don't have it in me.
Most of the things I do, I do out of pure obligation and that sucks.

There have been some days in between the down slopes that I think I may be feeling better to the point where I even believe it myself. Then, the very next day, boom! In the gutter again.

Each day I try to find something to laugh about. It is so hard to do. I always try to joke around or whatever ... anything to at least smile once a day. But it is so forced that many times it just feels fake.

My biggest fear is that I will never be myself again. That I'll live in this darkness in perpetuity.

The layers go so deep that many times I just don't have the words to explain the why.
Imagine going down a very long, seemingly eternal staircase. Every step downward is a different reason why your sinking deeper. That is what it is like. Each step is a reason, but I can't seem to get off of the staircase. All I can do is look up at the light I am leaving behind in the hopes that I can soon turn around and go back up.

I want to find "a reason" to be happy again. I want so badly to get back to my happy place. But my biggest fear is that I will never get there again.

The most frustrating thing is when people say things like ...

It'll get better.
Cheer up. You just have the blues.
Why are you so sad? Just smile.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Just look at the silver lining.
You can do it. You're strong.
Don't worry, be happy.
This is only temporary. 

So, since I know that the above are going to be the answers I'll get from most people, I just don't even bother exerting the energy to talk to anyone. What's the point? They just don't get it.
I rather suffer in silence than hear someone tell me any of the above stated lines, or anything like them.

Sometimes I just want someone to listen and not give me a pep-talk of shit that I already know. Sometimes I just want permission to be vulnerable and sad without any cheerleader giving me some bullshit happy talk.


Sometimes ...