Today ... A New Day

I can hardly believe that it has been nearly a year since I last blogged. But alas, it has.

When I say so much has happened and changed since that last blog, and yet nothing has, I could not be any more earnest.

For a while I struggled like never before in the financial realm and although that is not 100% rectified things are better than they were.

We are still having a hard time getting completely back on our feet, but slowly a shift is happening. Although food insecurity is definitely a struggle, we have been figuring things out by being creative in and particular in what we eat. I don’t want to go into too much detail about the money thing so I will just say this … Though we are not where we would like to be, we are better than where we were.

By “we” I mean my family here at home (my son, soul-sister, and I).
We have lost loved ones, I made a shift in employment, and the best thing that has happened this year so far, by far, is spiritual growth. 

Especially in recent months and weeks.

Depression had been at a fever pitch. Sort of to the point of me having entirely given up on the world. Everything seemed like a fruitless venture.

I had lost the desire and will to even try to be happy anymore. My conviction and passion for life, altogether snuffed out.

I’d convinced myself that in this life Nowhere was the somewhere to which I’d be journeying to forevermore.

Thus, my light had extinguished.

If life was color, I’d become a morose grey. This was hard for me. Mostly because the majority of my life I’d been the optimistic, bright person that always saw a silver lining.

Life had beaten me down so much that by this time last year, I was a feeble, sad wraith of who I used to be—a meat and bones phantom of the me that once existed. I would look in the mirror and not see myself. I tried. Lord knows I tried. Yet, I could not reach the summit of my felicity. I could not find love internally or externally. I could not find contentment in self or life. I could not find optimism in existence or coexistence. There was just nothing.

All there was, was the get-up and go. And not the good kind.

I am sure that by now everyone has heard of the concept of autopilot. This was my every day. Get up, do my daily due diligence, go to bed, repeat. Emptiness, withdrawal, and solitude was the new norm. This manifested itself in anger, resentment, and silence.

Nevertheless, I tried. Hard. I did. I considered going away. 

Disappearing. Because it felt like the only thing I offered anyone I cared about was misery.

But a long time ago, I learned the art of The Mask. So my mask-game was strong—it’s been that way most of my life. Yet, in this past year, even though I felt hollow inside the smile on my face told other people otherwise.

I’d lost my ability to write. I’d lost my musical inclination. I could no longer hear Spirit’s voice. I had lost my spiritual connection. 

Basically, I lost everything. Everything but my love for cooking. But this was a catch-22 because food is comforting. And when you desperately need that comfort, you cook. You eat. Inevitably, you get fat.

Here is the even bigger kicker. We’d been severely struggling with food insecurity (still do to some extent). Yet, when you need food not just to fuel your body but to feel relief from depression, you become relentlessly creative in how you get “you fix” if you will. So … I cooked, I baked, I did whatever I could to eat. And of course, to feed my family.

But, my artistic and spiritual inclinations and needs had dissipated. They were mist and smoke, and intangible.

Yet, I pressed forward with nowhere to go. If a meaningless life was the same as rock bottom, then I had unequivocally hit it. But I said nothing. Kept it all to myself. I pressed on.

I repeat the word “press” because that is what it felt like.

It was like digging your shoulder into a concrete building and pushing against it with all of your might, trying to push it down.

Said structure wouldn’t budge but your body and ego were burnt out, hurting, bruised, and remorseful. Yet and still, you repeated this process day in and day out for so long that you’d lost track of time, place, space and your sense of self. Moreover, the reason why you’d started pushing against it in the first place.

I was, indubitably, a shadow.
 
For several months I was working 2 part-time jobs back-to-back. This was my solution to not having a full-time job. If I worked 2 part-time jobs, I could essentially achieve full-time hours (more or less). However, this also meant much less time for myself, and even less time for my family. I was perennially exhausted because I was essentially working every single day. I only had one day off per week (Fridays) but since it was my only day off, I used it to take care of household duties, thus it was really just another workday. So I fell deeper and deeper into my inner funk.

Depression does this thing where you are relieved when you get to the end of the day. One day at a time has a whole new meaning when all you see is darkness.

I yearned so profoundly to find myself again and reconnect with the Universe/God/Spirit/Allah (of whatever you call the Highest Power). I desperately needed to reconnect with my gifts, my talents, and my meaning and purpose for existing. I needed community, connection and interconnection. I needed what was equivalent to my normal. If I could not find that, get there, then I felt like I would be doomed for perpetuity.

Although, I could not “pray” as such, my heart spoke … no … screamed for some level of salvation. Some relief from the devastation and despondency. For alleviation from a life not lived, and an existence without purpose.

Suddenly, and fairly recently the answer to that prayer came. And in the most unexpected way ever.

Circumstantially, a full-time position became available to me at one of my places of employment. This position was offered to me. I accepted. Little did I know that this shift would also translate into the change I needed. The change I yearned for so desperately.
 
So much has happened since I accepted the job and transitioned into this position. Some bad, but mostly good. Since I took the job, the depression has begun to lift. I have felt the sense of connection and community I needed. I have reconnected with Spirit, with writing, with myself. I have started to hear Spirit’s voice again. My abilities have started to manifest again.

I feel relieved. I am finding myself again. Things, as of right now, are better. Not great. Not ideal. But absolutely better. I am grateful. One day I will share some psychic-medium experiences that have happened in the last couple of weeks. It is so beautiful to see, feel, hear those things again. To feel reconnected to The Source. To know that I am not alone and have never been alone. Spiritually speaking, that is.

Once again …

I AM GRATEFUL.