Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Life is a Convoluted Thing

I had some things on my mind that I wanted to share with the ether. I never really expect people to read my blog, and am always surprised when they do. I usually blog because I have something to say and/or need to expel something from my spirit.

So before I go into the thick of it, I just need to share a baby-bit of background with you. I won't be going into too much detail so I'll just let you use your imagination to fill in the blanks.

Basically, in life I have gone through far too much traumatic and life altering shit. These things have, without a doubt, left some uncured scars that I am only now dealing with. In the attempt to learn how to cope as well as address a variety of mental-illness related things, I opted to seek therapy. About a month ago I started seeing a psychologist. She's great. I like her very much.
The other day as I sat with her, she gave me an assignment due to the myriad of mental-emotional struggles I've been confronting head-on as of late.
She said, "I want you to stop and do this exercise whenever you are feeling overwhelmed. Think to yourself, 'How am I feeling and what do I need?'"

It was that particular exercise that led me to today's blog post.

I've been dealing with a roller coaster of emotions as of late, and while I am finally on the up-climb, that by no means implies that the entire situation has been mitigated.
Last night I had this very realistic dream where I was with a man that loved me and treated me right. In the dream I could feel like my proverbial cup was overflowing with love, care, understanding and companionship. Essentially, the kind of relationship that every girl longs for. It was as real as anything.

Then I opened my eyes. As soon as I did, reality hit me like a ton of brinks.

I was alone. Again.
I felt empty. Again.
I longed for all the things that I had in my dream, but didn't have in real life. Again.

Feeling overwhelmed with grief I did the exercise.

"Y," I said to myself, "How do I feel?"
"Lonely and sad." I responded.
"What do I need?"
"Love and companionship from a life partner."

Unfortunately, this wasn't a need that I could satiate. Why? Because I don't have that. I do not have a mate, I do not have the unconditional love of a life partner.
So that leaves me with one big question ...

What do I do when I cannot find what I am looking for?

And trust me, I've looked for it. I've looked for love in all the wrong AND RIGHT places. Inevitably, I come back empty handed every time after implementing a lot of time, energy and care into attempting to make a relationship work. They never do.
This, of course, makes me feel like there is no remedy for me. Therefore, instead of feeling better after endeavoring to do the exercise, I now feel worse.

How do I fix it?