Journal Entry 9/30/2021

I need a Spiritual Release—a Soul Cleansing.

Have you ever just felt like you needed to see the Universe/God/Higher Being seeing you?

And if I could, and if It did, I would ask a multitude of questions. Seal all of the hole which perforate my soul. Satiate my desire to connect with something bigger; grander and more magnificent than myself.

In recent weeks I have learned a Universal secret—one that I would love to share, but first have to master.

But I am getting ahead of myself, for this post is not about this topic, but something else.

With that said, let me dive into the meat of this post.

Hell, this may not make sense to anyone else but me. Frankly, it doesn't matter as long as it makes sense to me.

When I was younger, I found a place inside of myself, where I could go externally in order to fulfil the need to be heard by the Cosmos. Though it might seem like a contradiction, I assure you, it is not.

However, time has lent itself to loss; thus, I have lost my ability to tap into that space like I used to. And it hurts me deeply.

The place?
Music.

For those of you who do not know, I used to sing. No, not just in the shower. I used to sing in churches, in concerts, and out in the open. I sang Gospel, for having grown up Christian, it was what I knew. But I in so doing I learned that I could beckon, through song, the expanse of Creation and it would hear me, feel me, see me, and respond.

About a decade ago, I lost that ability. I can narrow it down to the very time and day. But I will spare you the specifics.

I can remember with so much accuracy that I can recall the sensations of living waters running down my spine as I was lifted into a realm that was far beyond this plain.

I've lost it. I called that ability "My Beloved," for it was pure, unadulterated, unconditional and exponential love that I felt whenever I opened my mouth to call upon the name of Jah through song.

There wasn't, and never will be, anything like it. I was transported; flown above the macrocosm and into a pocket of space where time, material, superficial and all relative things did not exist. It was just Totality and I. And it was wonderful. There I could speak to It, ask things, receive things that money could not buy. It was my Sanctuary.

Nowadays I yearn to regain that lost gift. Especially in times of need and anguish, such as I have been experiencing lately. But it's so far from my grasp. I can almost taste it, but can't quite grab it. I want it back, My Beloved. I want to open my mouth and call upon it once again, for it is where my peace lies.