Sunday, October 31, 2021

Journal Entry 10/31/2021

No this isn't about Halloween, even though what I am about to share is truly harrowing. At least to me; in my heart and soul.

Several weeks ago I shared a Journal Blog Post about my daughter and how she and my grandson are living. At the time I was severely grappling with what I should do—how this should be handled. Because the situation could not continue as it was. Furthermore, no one locally—the local family members in their area—were stepping in to help make a change.

If you'd like a little more on background on this story, you can read more by clicking HERE.

It took me several weeks of contemplation of possible repercussions to finally come to a decision. Since no one else was stepping in, and through ongoing contact with my daughter in that time allowing me to see that the situation was only getting worse, I stepped up.

I called DCF (The Florida Department of Children and Families).

Now why, you might ask, did I do it? Why would I betray her?

I don't see it that way.

But that didn't stop my family from coming down on me like a flood. I'll get more into this in a minute. First I will delineate the reasons why. At the end of this post, I will let YOU decide whether what I did was the right or wrong thing.

1) One day when I had returned home from Florida, my daughter spoke to me and told me that she had gone clean from drugs and alcohol. She said that she'd stopped smoking weed and drinking because she wanted to do better for her child. Reason being, that she realized that she was high and drunk more often than not and that as a mother this could not go on.

However, at some point recently, she backslid. She started smoking weed again. So often in fact, that she was calling me while so high that she couldn't get out of bed. And posting pictures online of herself so high that her eyes looked like fireballs. She also went back to drinking. I don't know what the catalyst to her backsliding was because she would not tell me. 

2) The living situation—whether because of the fact that she had gone back to being high and drunk, I cannot say, but only speculate—had gotten wore. I know and attest to this because of the several video phone calls she had with me where I was able to see the conditions of the house. It was, and I underestimate when I say this, unsavory.

3) During several video calls that I had with my daughter and grandson, I could see how unkempt he was. His hair had not been brushed in God knows how long, and it was so outgrown that it was mated and had lint stuck in it. His clothes looked dirty and he was back to wearing diapers when he had been potty-trained.

4) Most of the time, the floors were covered in animal feces and urine, dirt, and only God knows what else, but the baby often sat on the ground to eat his food.

5) My grandson had no real schedule or discipline. He sometimes went to bed at 1 and 2 in the morning, woke up whenever he wanted and just was neglected and wayward as a whole.

Please understand that I AM NOT saying that my daughter and her husband do not love their child. THEY DO! And HE LOVES THEM! 



I've very clearly talked about on here how when my children were little I did not have the tools, nor the direction on how to raise them properly. I was raised in a level of chaos, abuse and dysfunction that left me scarred for life. Then I was unfortunately married to a man that capitalized on those scars and made things worse.

Yes, I spanked my kids. Sometimes, lost all control that I whupped them so bad I would feel like shit afterwards. This wasn't a common occurrence, I assure you. But it did happen. I admit that it affected my kids. It hurt them. I am still trying to make amends to that. Because I honestly didn't know any better. I admit that those butt whuppings probably messed them up really bad.

But, my house was always clean! They were always cared for properly! They were never neglected! I never displayed traits of aloof disregard! I did the best with what I had and what I was given! I did my best raising my kids and I promise you that there were a great many good memories that I created for them! Even if they might not remember them ... I do.

I had 4 kids at a young age and I did the best that I could for each and every one of them. I stand by that. I loved them all with every fiber of my being and they never went to bed hungry, or having eaten of a contaminated floor. I gave them love, attention, and care, as much as I did discipline. When I was hard, I was really hard. But when I was good, I was really, really good. And when I loved them, I loved them hard as fuck!! I STILL FUCKING DO!!!!!!!

No one but me knows that sacrifices I made for them when I could have been selfish, or indifferent. But I always put them first. Always.

At one point I sent Pipo to live with my mom and dad for 6 months when he was 9. My kids think that it was because I wanted him out of the house. But it was really because my ex-husband had threated that he would kill him if I didn't send him away. He said, and I quote, "If you don't get that kid out of here, I swear to God Yasmin, I will slit his fucking throat tonight!"

Most of the butt whuppings I did give my kids were because my ex-husband told me that if I didn't do it, he would make sure to break their fucking bones. Then after I did beat them, he would gaslight me. He'd say to my kids, "You know, I keep telling you guys not to make your mom mad. I try to calm her down but she doesn't listen to me." When in actuality I was sparing them from his wrath.

Yet, they have NO IDEA. None of them do!

So after I contacted DCF, I had this sort of vision. I herd my daughter's voice so clearly as she called me screaming. She was saying that DCF had taken her son.

Wouldn't you know it. That's exactly what happened.

At first I received a call from DCF confirming my report. They asked me a further set of questions and then said that they would go visit the residence.

Next thing I know my daughter is calling me screaming. The vision had come to pass. The only difference was that in real life she asked me if I had called them on her. I said yes. I could not lie. That was the last time I hear her voice. It will probably be the last time I hear her voice forevermore. The screeches of her bellows are recorded in my mind. Branded there forever.
I contacted my mother after the fact. My heart was in pain. And all I really wanted was (1) to tell her myself before anyone else did. I wanted her to hear the news from the source. (2) In some way, I wanted some motherly compassion. Maybe I wanted too much, I don't know.

Instead, all I got was judgment. Words of blame. Finger pointing. As if what I had done was the most terrible thing to do to anyone.

Giving up on that conversation, I concluded it with, "I just wanted to tell you myself before anyone else did." and hung up.

Later that day I got this text message from my daughter.

Yes, she has no real clue.


What I did, I did for all the right reasons. I want a better life for my grandson, I want my daughter to get clean, and I want a better life for her. That's it. That's all. I just want to break the cure of abuse, neglect and have them break free into a beautiful future.

Once again, I am willing to make a sacrifice. I am willing to sacrifice never seeing them again as long as I can rest in knowing I did the right thing to ensure that they will have a brighter future.

Now ... you decide.

No comments:

Post a Comment