Wednesday, September 29, 2021

Journal Entry 9/29/2021

The last week has been really trying for me.

I injured my back whilst getting out of the shower and since then I have been in massive amounts of pain.

There is a reason I am bringing this up. It's gotten me thinking about some stuff.

In order to make things clearer, I have to rewind a bit.

Through this blog I have slowly but surely divulged many things about my life. It's been, in a way, my variation of an autobiography.

So, in that spirit, here is a little something else you didn't know about me ....

I was an underdeveloped infant at birth. I was not premature, I was just underdeveloped due to some major health issues that my mother was having whilst pregnant of me. So, while I was full-term, at birth I was the size and development of a premature baby.

I was all of 2 pounds and 3 ounces, and a whole 12 inches long. Literally the size of a baby-doll toy.

As a matter of fact, my mother and grandmother used to buy baby-doll toys just to take their clothes off in order to dress me. This was because at that time premature baby clothing didn't exist.

My mother's attending doctor and my pediatrician gave me a less than 30% chance of survival. After only 1 month in an incubator and still very fragile, but against doctor's advise/orders, my mother decided to take me home.

The issue was that I was still underdeveloped and taking me home would mean that I would have a smaller chance of survival and a bigger chance of developing immediate and future major health issues.

Well, here I am, and as per predicted, I survived but my health is absolute shit.

During my childhood I was a sickly child, and now, well ... I mean, I am in my mid-forties and there isn't an ailment in the world that I don't have.

At least it feels that way sometimes.

Now that that's out of the way, back to the point I was trying to get to.

For several years now I have been dealing with increasingly declining health. Throughout this time I have learned of various congenital defects that I was born with that I had no clue existed. Earlier this year it was something in my brain. There was something else before that which I cannot recall at the moment. And this time, I've learned that I have even more congenital issues with my spine. This was discovered during my visit to the ER when I hurt my back.

Like, what more do I need? Seriously!

This causes an inner debate, and it isn't all peaches and cream.

It gets me to wondering;

Why did I survive if I was going to have to live a life full of physical pain?

Why didn't I fall into that percentile that didn't make it?

Why didn't my mother just leave me in the care of the attending physicians? Maybe I would have had a chance at a healthier life.

There are so many questions. My fear is learning later on that I have even more issues that I had no inkling of.

There is so much more happening in my brain right now regarding all of this that I don't even know if I can get it on paper. My mind is a scramble of "what ifs" and "whys".

All I know right now is that life is so fucking unfair.

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