Accounta-fucking-bility

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That; I'm fucking taking it.

Today I am taking accountability for the things that I potentially fucked up because of my fears, trauma, and personal disfunctions. Stand by, there may be a lot of them. Who know, there may only be a few. I don't fucking know since I'll be jotting them down as they come to me.

1. Damaging my kids. I fucked them up good. I tried the best I could with what I had and what I knew—God knows I did. But that obviously wasn't enough to give them the firmament they needed to make better choices and have better lives. For that I am profoundly sorry. More than words can say. So much that it hurts.

2. Relationship with good men. All I've ever wanted was to be happy with a good man that was my compatible equal. However, my trauma, my fears and my personal disfunctions made it so that I fucked up any chances of finding that. I personally ruined it whenever I did find a good man with great relationship potential because of the "what ifs" that never came.

3. My relationship with my extended family members. Yes, it is true that I have always been the black sheep of the family. There is no doubting that. But perhaps I could have tried a little harder. Maybe I could have given a bit more effort. I let fear and personal disfunction, not to mention, my views of my place inside the family unit dictate the way I maneuvered within them. So much so that I distanced myself completely from them.

4. My self-esteem. God damn, this is a hard one for me. I done fucked up my self-esteem so bad that I don't even know where to begin. I messed myself up in that way sooooooo hard that no manner of "reversing trauma and negative talk" has helped. I'm so damn jacked up in this subject that I may need some professional help with it. Like, facts. How did I do that, you are probably wondering? Because I listened more to the people who talked ill of me than to those who praised me. That's how. I could have just as easily done it the other way around.

Accounta-fucking-bility, that's what this post is all about today. Sorry for all the bad language, but not really. That's just me. Take it or leave it.

Bye!