Journal Entry 6/8/2021

 I don't do these often, so when I do they are important. At least to me. In the end, that's all that matters.

So anyone that really knows me, knows this. I deeply and passionately hate sounding cliché. There is nothing about cliché behaviors that appeal to my eclectic persona. Not a thing. Hence, when I say what I am about to say, it comes from a place of profound meditation and understanding.

There I was just minding my bees wax, having just jumped out of the shower and getting ready for my morning routine, when it just dawned on me.

Yup, I said it, it just dawned on me.

Now that the cliché is out of the way, let's continue.

I was actually caught up in a barrage of thoughts that sort of interconnected. Lots of them. They went something like this ....

• I can't recall the first thought.
• Recollection of past conversations about love/romance/companionship.
• Thoughts about any potential future suitors.
• Thoughts of "falling in love" again.
• Thoughts of "Nope, I can't put myself in that position ever again. It would make me vulnerable and susceptible to pain and heartbreak."
• Thoughts of, "But you know what, if I even suspected that the dude were going to leave me because of reasons A, B, C and so on, I would drop his ass before he could say 'Why?' anyway. Fuck that shit. Men don't leave me anymore, I leave them."
• Then that was followed by, "Holy shit. 😦"
• I just realized that I got scared of being axed.
• I just realized that that is the rhetoric of a person with issues. Bad ones. The whole, "I'll leave them before they leave me" crap.
• In the instant, all of the aforementioned ran through my brain simultaneously with the recollection of all of the people that abandoned me. All of it. It just came rushing to the forefront. The pain the abandonment caused, the whole shebang. 
• I also realized that when I care about someone, I hold on tight as fuck because I don't want them to leave me.
• "Holy shit, Jazz," I thought, "that's the thought process of a person with abandonment issues!"
• "Holy fucking shit Jazz, you have abandonment issues!" I said to myself.

So that was it.

However, now that I know this, I can address it. I can find a way to work on it, heal it, learn how to trust, how to hope, how to move forward and all that. As of today I've made myself some promises and I plan on working on them every day until I get back to a place where I find the inner peace I am seeking.

Okay, that's it. Bye!