Wednesday, June 9, 2021

Still Mad? Well, yeah!

Even though I don't wanna be.
I wanna be like ....

So since I am doing my own little version of Personal Shadow Work, let me list the things I am still mad at. Maybe in that way I can start to let shit go.

Be advised, this shit is probably gonna be deep.

Why? Because deep wounds, leave deep scars.

Following is a list of things I am still mad at in no particular order. Most of this shit I've been holding on to for years. Some of it is still kinda new-ish.

  1. The younger, more fucked up version of my mom. The version of her that was dysfunctional, addicted to all kinds of stuff, abusive, neglectful, and mentally unstable in all kinds of ways. Also the version of her that got so sick that she depended on the little girl version of me to be her care giver when it was supposed to be the other way around. Furthermore, she was supposed to protect me and she didn't. This made me have to grow up way before my time. It was unfair and I am still mad at that shit.
  2. The younger version of my dad. The one who drank and gambled his life away and failed to be the dad that I needed during a tumultuous childhood. I am mad at the version of him that failed to do his due diligence as a father when I had no one else.
  3. I'm mad at the younger version of me. The one that cried her nights away. The one that suffered in silence. The one that swallowed her fears, and drank her tears. I am mad at the child that grew up far too soon for the sake of her maladjusted parents.
  4. I am mad at the community that failed me. At a time in my later childhood when my family turned to the church for safety and restoration, all we got was a church that was nothing more than a cult in hiding which hurt us more than words can say in the name of God. This infuriates me still. I am livid beyond measure at that sole fact. I'm irate at the damage they did and the way they hid behind holy veils. I even hate them for it.
  5. I'm mad at the men I trusted and opted to love in my life. I am mad at the damage they did to me. I am mad at the fact that I believed in them and put my life, my love and my trust in their hands and they took advantage of me. They damaged me. They broke me. They trampled on my heart and never so much as apologized. They caused me so much mental-emotional damage that I am still trying to overcome it and I am finding very hard to.
  6. I am mad at the life that was taken from me and the people that usurped it without a second thought. They took what was mine like it belonged to them all along. I am furious at all the hard work I put into that life, and they robbed me of it.
  7. I am mad at the way my eldest daughter abandoned me. When all I wanted was the best for her, when I just needed to heal, and needed her to understand that we were BOTH trying the heal, she turned on me and left. I am mad that she picked him over me. I am mad that to this day she still picks him over everything and everyone, no matter what manner of damage he does to her.
  8. I am mad at the employers who took advantage of my passion and dedication to use me, abuse me and then kick me to the curb whilst rubbing my name through the dirt. To this day I still have nightmares about it. And I find myself from time to time wishing all of the worst upon them.
  9. I am furious that I've lost my optimism. I'm irate that I have lost the part of me that was my signature, the part of me that made me who I am. I've lost all hope, enthusiasm, and silver-lining idealism.
  10. I'm furious at all the people in this world that continuously trying to take advantage of others. Those self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic, ego-maniacs that can't see past the tips of their noses and can't think past their own agenda.
Sometimes, the weight I bear makes me feel like I am actually mad at the whole world. I know I am not, but that's what it feels like.
I don't want to be mad anymore. I don't want to hurt about these things any more. I want to recuperate the me that existed before all the pain—the core of me that was full of liveliness and light. I want to bring light upon the world and show others that pain does not have to define who you become. How can I do that if I can't let go of the anger?
I want to break the cycle. And I want to do that starting today.

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