Thursday, October 1, 2020

Journal Entry: 10/1/020

I guess I just need to get some things off of my chest although they may not make any sense to anyone but me.

Honestly, maybe I just need to expel the negative energy trapped in my chest.

So I make no apologies for anything that might seem nonsensical. With that said, I'll dive right in.

So far, this year, I've been doing all I can to keep my head above water emotionally speaking.

It's been a chore just keeping up with my constantly downtrodden emotions and the hamster-wheel of ruminations.

I am perpetually exhausted due to a few things, but among them, is the madness of thoughts that I can't stop. In the midst of it all, I may have 1, even 2, good days but for the most part I am just depressed all the fucking time.
I know people keep saying that due to the pandemic everyone is going through some level of depression and hardship. And this is exactly why I don't even talk about it. What good is it to speak on something when you're just being drowned out by the voices of millions? Little do people know that I have been dealing with this for years on end—this year in particular being extra hard. And in my personal case it has little to nothing to do with the pandemic.
I am trying sooooo hard to stay upbeat, to "not let it get to me" but that's easier said than done. I am further bothered by people who in their attempt to help have nothing more to say than, "You can do it, you are strong." Or worse yet, "Be strong."
It's like, "Bitch, you have NO IDEA HOW STRONG I am being right now!" I want so much to just scream those words in people's face. It isn't easy to get up and keep moving every single day when you have no purpose or desire to do so. You couldn't even begin to understand the strength that it takes. Just "going" takes a strength beyond measure, and the best you can come up with is "be strong"? FUCK YOU!

I feel beat down and like I am never going to get past it. All I want to do is ...

But I can't. This is made worse by the fact that the world makes me feel like I don't have the permission or the right to feel down or blue. I get to feeling like I need to constantly put on a happy face and act like everything is A-Okay when inside I feel like I am falling apart.

It's funny because, she hasn't said it and I know she doesn't even think that way, because she always wants me to tell her how I am ... but sometimes I even get to feeling like my only confidant is tired of hearing me complain. Not that I do it very often when it comes to my depression. I am always moaning about my physical pain, though. But it isn't until after I do that I think to myself, "I need to shut up already about this shit. She's probably tired of hearing me bitch."

This of course, doesn't even count the daily struggles just to survive each day. No one knows what it's like to be struggling to make ends meet every fucking day like someone who is going through it. Day in and day out you have to undress Paul to dress Peter, and rob from Mary to pay Joseph. It's just fucked up. Soooo fucked up, it hurts.

The truth is, if you do the math this is what you'll get ...


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