Sunday, July 2, 2023

Journal Entry — 7/2/23

It's been well over a year since I blogged about anything at all.

But ... I need a space to put these thoughts out in the ether, even if no one ever reads them.

1. I am doing everything in my power to not let the depression that I am feeling drown me altogether. It's just a lot. I feel so heavy, burdened, and useless. It's too much.

2. Life is far too stressful for me right now. I know that I have to "keep on keeping on" as they say but given the option, I wouldn't.

3. I may have a few hours, maybe even a day where I am okay enough, but mostly ...? Darkness.

4. The layers run deep. There is so much more to it than what I am talking about. On the surface it may seem like situational, superficial depression but it's not. Although, those things are the ones that are at the forefront.

5. Being tired of being sick and tired is miniscule to what I am currently feeling. Years ago, I used this phrase a lot. It no longer seems to fit. Now I am just plain old tired as well as repulsed by everything and almost everyone. Some very important people notwithstanding.

Lately I have been feeling like I should have ended things long ago instead of pressing forward. I know that I know, that I know, that it's the depression speaking. But it doesn't feel like a lie. I mean, deep down inside I know my life has value. I know that the people that love me also need me. I know that "this too shall pass" as they say. Nevertheless, currently, I feel like none of that is true because this state of existence has endured for years upon years. I need and want it to stop; for things to be better. Yet, the lights in my spiritual room have been off for so long that I don't remember what illumination feels or looks like.

Someone ... Help.

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