Lately, I have heard the phrase "Binge Eating Disorder" a lot. Whether it's been with people saying that they have it, learning about it, or pondering on whether or not I might have it ... there it's been.
In today's post, I reflect on:
B.E.D.
What is it, and do I have it?
Note: This will be a Stream of Consciousness post, so I will be doing the work as I go along.
To better assess the question posed I have to take a good look at what the disorder is and how it manifests. For that, I've inserted the images below.
I am thinking that I need to have a Come to Jesus conversation with myself. I need to really probe into my mind and answer some important questions. Since, I don't know what to ask, I recruited the help of an online questionnaire that can help me understand whether or not I demonstrate the symptoms shown above.
Click HERE if you want to look for yourself.
In being completely transparent, there was 10 questions asked in the quiz. If you answered yes to 5 or more of the questions then chances are you DO have B.E.D.. I answer yes to 10 out of 10. But I had to be honest with myself while responding—no excuses.
I also had to take one more step. I had to answer the questions without comparing myself to everyone else but in by comparing myself to myself in times past. Not sure if that makes any sense to you.
Let me start at the beginning. It's the only way you're probably going to understand.
Ready or not, here I go.
My earliest memory of binge eating wasn't all that long ago. It was probably as early as three years ago, with my most recent breakup. It was another guy I had fallen for, and things didn't go as planned, so I ran—like I always do—and regret led me to binge eat one night. I realize that now. I ran from fear of putting myself in a potentially bad situation with a guy that would not meet my expectations. But I had developed feelings for him. Thus, after having broken up with him, I was filled with regret. I stewed a lot on whether or not that was my last chance at love. Whether I had just let it get away. This time, for good
I told myself the night I binge ate for the first time, that I was going through a breakup so I had good reason to eat a whole tub of ice cream even though I wasn't hungry. I could go ahead and follow that with a whole pack of cookies and whatever the fuck else I please because I was hurting. And this, even if just for that night, would ease the paint.
That was my excuse for that night.
I would find, however, that many, many similar nights would concurrently follow whether I realized it immediately of not.
The excuses varied.
- Because I was depressed.
- Because I was on medication and needed to eat in order to take them. (A legitimate excuse, but hindering nonetheless. I'll get more into this later.)
- Because I felt like it.
- Because sometimes you just want to.
- Because it's okay to indulge from time to time, but in moderation. Right? Right.
- Because I was mad at this, that and the other thing.
- Because life sucked.
- Because I was PMSing.
- Because I was happy.
- Because I'm a foodie.
- Because it was a Holiday.
My personal order was as follows:
- Trigger
- Binge
- Relief
- Shame
- Restrict
- Cravings
- Trigger, and so on ....
Alongside this cycle were all of the accompanying symptoms:
There came a time, some time after the binging began where I began to hoard the food. In my case, the soft stop is sweets. Candy. All the candy, any candy. Chocolates, cakes, fruit snacks, you name it.
The hoarding didn't come from a place of not wanting to share, but from a place of not wanting to be judged. I kept feeling like I was being judged all the time, even though I wasn't saying it. I still feel this way.
So, the hoarding, wasn't hoarding in the common sense of the word, but it was more "hiding" than anything else.
My triggers, I have become very familiar with. Too familiar with.
They are loneliness, depression, anxiety, and the need for intimacy with a romantic partner.
I know that my own fears get in the way of that, so the vicious cycle continues.
My struggle with this potential B.E.D. that I am challenged by is more from a place of emotional eating than anything else.
That is coupled with the issues I face with the medication regimens I am on. I am on far too many very strong medications. At last count, I am taking 13 prescribed medications. Most of them, I have to take with food.
I find it very hard at times to know when I have not eaten enough to take my meds, just the right amount, or too much.
The lines are so blurred.
I can only tell, after I've eaten.
Somewhere between 25 to 30 minutes after I have eaten, if I have not consumed enough food, I immediately get very sick.
You see, because I DO TRY to eat "normally" per say. I DO TRY to not over eat.
I serve myself in small plates, small portions, so on and so forth. I've tried all of the "tools" people swear on and preach about.
However, if I don't eat enough I get super sick. If I try to eat "just enough" I feel as though I am over eating, then feel guilty/ashamed for doing so, and that serves as a trigger.
This is multiplied by 3 times a day. Every. Fucking. Day.
You have no idea how complicated that makes things.
Do I have B.E.D.? Yes, probably so.
What can I do about it? Well "acknowledgement", they say, is the first step. Maybe I can find some services in my area that can help.
Honestly, just writing this post is a trigger for me. I just want to "hang-up" and go grab some gummy bears or something.
Fucking hell, what more do I need? I have too much to deal with as it is.
Pray for me, y'all.
Deuces
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