Hoarding of a Different Kind

Yesterday afternoon I asked myself a question ....

"Jazz," I said to myself, "do you really have mixed anxiety and depression disorder if what you've been dealing with all along, for all of these years, is this pent-up mental-emotional hoard?"

Hell if that doesn't get the cogs of the ol'brain a'workin'.

Talk about a good question.

I mean, I really thought about it in the terms of a hoard.

Like, if I cleared the hoard (expelled everything that I've been holding on to all these years), would the mixed anxiety and depression disorder evaporate too?

This is a tough one to get into, but shit ... I've been touching on tough topics all week long. LOL

Here goes everything.

First thing is first, I don't have an answer to this question. I honestly don't. I will, however, take some time to consider it and delineate my thoughts on here.

Many year ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

Back then it was called "Clinical Anxiety and Depression". Some years later this was changed to "Mixed Anxiety and Depression Disorder", and nowadays we know that that too has its subcategories. One of them, I've learned very, very recently is called Dysthymia. Which I am like, one million percent sure, is a better fit for my mental-emotional state, but since I have not been officially diagnosed with that I will leave it out of my personal equation. Nevertheless, since it doesn't hurt to learn something new, here you go. 

To learn more about Dysthymia and other mental health issues, here is a link to one of my favorite YouTube informative Physiatrists, Dr. Tracey Marks.

She's great at breaking down all of those tedious threads of mental illness.

Here is the thing about Depression ....

And here is the thing about Anxiety ....

Then there was the element of PSTD.

I was also diagnosed with that.

Not the, "I joined the military and the government screwed me" kind, which is what most people think about when PTSD is mentioned. But the more general, "my life was a fucking shit-fest, stuffed into a chaos tornado, tossed into a what-the-fuck volcano" sort which is the lesser known of the two.

This is a little visual on what PTSD feels like.

Now to get into answering my question from before.

The Mixed Anxiety and Depression Disorder as it pertains to myself, is something genetic. Mental health issues is something that runs in my family, therefore it was very likely that I too would develop them, whether early on or later on.

As it pertains to the PTSD; that was caused by the innumerable amounts of mental and physical trauma I endured from an early age all through to my adult years. I believe that I could have missed that ship had I not gone through all of the stuff I went through. But, such is life and here I am.

Here are my own thoughts ....

My mental-emotional hoarding came from a place not knowing how to deal. Thus I tucked the pain in the reservoirs of my mind.

I am convinced that the anxiety and depression compounded the PTDS, making it much worse that it might have been in the first place, had the anxiety and depression been addressed many years before.

So, in the end, do I think that cleaning out the hoard of my pain will cure my mental illness. The short answer; no. But I do think it's the best step into the correct direction of healing to the best of my abilities.

Okay, that's all I got for today. Stay tuned for more posts about my personal Shadow Work and healing.

When Your Name Should've Been Yas-MAN

Okay, for those who know me best, what I'm about to say comes as no surprise.

I AM  TOMBOY.

For those of you whom don't necessarily know what a Tom Boy is, here is the meaning:

A girl who behaves in a way that is perceived to be stereotypically boyish or masculine.

What makes me a Tomboy?

Well, my affinity for gadgets/electronics (IE: computers, phones and tablets), my love for boxing, my high regard of science and history, my sometimes "man'ish" mannerisms (IE: burping & farting aloud then rating it, preferring to  fix something myself than hire someone,  not reading instructions when doing handyman tasks)  and my wardrobe.

This presents a problem. Because on top of being a Tomboy, I'm also a Trooper. That is to say that I press forward regardless of the challenge, and I tend to be stronger than the average bear. And by "bear" I mean "man". LOL. :) And by "stronger", I mean "more mentally stable, less prone to drama, incredibly independent and highly tenacious when necessary".

So how does this impact me?

Well, honestly, I want to meet a man that is more of a man than I am. That seems impossible!

I've been trying to find the proverbial "Mr. Right" for well over 8 years. I was divorced 9 years ago. In between those 9 years I was in a serious relationship for a year, which ended in relentless heartbreak. And simply have NOT been able to find what I'm looking for since.

I am not trying to insult anyone, but it gets me thinking ...

Do I live in the wrong country or something?

What am I looking for? Four simple things:

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  A loyal and loving man.

  
  


• 
  

  A smart man.

  
  


• 
  

  An appreciative man.

  
  


• 
  

  A man that is manlier than me.

  
  

Yet, as much as I try, I can't find it. At least not locally.

I have some amazing stories of exactly what I'm talking about. But, I'll share the most recent one with you.

Recently, I met a guy—a kid, really—12 years my junior. However, when I met him I immediately told him clearly that I could and would ONLY be his friend. My mind wouldn't change and he had to accept that.

Yet, somehow/somewhere down the line they kid became smitten with me.  Although, I'd told him time and time again that I was not interested in a relationship with him, he seemed to think that if he could prove himself that I'd change my mind.

In the attempt to gain m favor this kid decided that he wanted to take me out for a birthday dinner. I conceded, telling him that this would be an outing AS FRIENDS and nothing more. Apparently, he didn't get the drift.

What as the outcome? Well, on the day of the outing he was acting like an asinine imbecile; driving like a maniac, drinking too much caffeine and incurring a case of self-imposed Tourette's Syndrome, hitting on the male waiter in the attempt to act as if he was okay with the waiter hitting on me (which he was). And the list goes on and on.

The very next day he contacted me apologizing for being such a fool, and throughout our discussion he admitted that he was sorely affected by his ex-girlfriend's infidelity and had become emotionally unstable. So his insecurities were playing out while we were at dinner.

PFFF!

Well, there it is! Boom! My point exactly! This is what I'm talking about.

I've been heartbroken too! But, it's made me stronger and more determined to keep living. Shouldn't "a man" have a bit more balls than me?

Suffice it to say, that I think my strength works against me because I find that people turn to me for strength. This includes any potential dating material.

Well, with that said, I've come to two conclusions:

1. I should have been named "Yas-MAN"


2. I won't be taking any man seriously until he can prove that he is more manly than I am.